TheBaseballStars

It all started simple enough. Newspaperman in the deep throes of watching one of his many sweethearts have a good game, e-mailed The Jon. In this case it was Joey Votto’s three homer game Wednesday. This is a rough quote:
“Monster, baby. Monster. Three jacks in three at-bats, four RBIs, three runs, a walk and a stolen base. I have to change my panties!”

It was then The Jon finally pinpointed who Newspaperman reminded The Jon of.

Daniel LaRusso. Yes, you read that right, Daniel-San.

As we all know, The Jon is steeped in Karate Kid lore. That video that led off this masterpiece was Newspaperman when he first started playing fantasy baseball. He was the best around for a small part due to his obsession with baseball cards.

He took a hobby that involved him poring over these cards in his underwear in a dark, musky room with a roll of toilet paper and turned it into early fantasy baseball success. He won one title in the State league and he was giddy … like Daniel-San at 35 seconds into this clip:

Newspaperman would actually lay in bed at night and dream that he was the best around. Humming that tune as he had visions of Roger Clemens and Pedro Martinez dancing in his head, he must have channeled Daniel-San and had dreams like this …

Here’s the kicker with Newspaperman. Instead of intimidating all of the people he beat to grab his first title, the guy was a cornball.

He would spew this weak advice such as “When drafting, you have to pick the best available player.”

Or, “When hitting 30 home runs, one must be really good and should be on everyone’s draft list.”

And then he found love in Jose Reyes, David Wright and Grady Sizemore.

So much so that when The Jon offered one of his famous deals that nobody could refuse, something along the lines of Manny Ramirez, Jason Giambi, Curt Schilling, some other hot pitcher of two seasons past and something like two other quantifiable fantasy-hitting producersfor Grady Sizemore, Newspaperman balked.

So what happened?

This. Remember, Newspaperman is Daniel-San.

Newspaperman created The Jon.

By not taking that deal, The Jon’s team got hot and the first championship of the Greatness Era began. By not taking a deal that would have guaranteed Newspaperman another championship, The Jon became the most prolific fantasy baseballer ever.

Five seasons of top 3 finishes.

Two championships.

So what’s a Daniel-San to do? Well, Newspaperman has taken solace that he has finished with the best record for like three seasons running. And for a while, he was happy.

One problem though.

Newspaperman has had to face The Jon in the playoffs, and he becomes a blubbering idiot rolling around on the ground having to battle it out with FreeSanJose aka Mike Barnes for second place …

It has gotten so bad, Newspaperman is a shell of his former self. Getting scared like a little girl and making excuses when he loses to The Jon. You want to see his expression while he is in front of his computer and he realizes The Greatness is coming up on the schedule?

Check out the 36 second mark of this clip. Or watch the whole thing. Same effect.

The sad thing about all of this is at least when Daniel-San made a fool out himself, Mr. Miyagi was always there.

When Daniel-San threw his bike in the dumpster. Miyagi fixed it.

When Daniel-San messed and destroyed his relationship with Elisabeth Shue, Miyagi told him to go back and tap that.

Well Newspaperman, there is some bad news.

I’m your Mr. Miyagi, bitch.

Not this Mr. Miyagi …

But this Mr. Miyagi.

The Mr. Miyagi that doesn’t forgive past mistakes and proceeds to smash you every single time in the playoffs.

Every single playoff matchup.

Your biggest nightmare.

Yes Newspaperman, I’m the Miyagi that makes your face all scrunched up while whispering “No” to yourself.

You created this. This is your shame. Your destiny.

So long, Newspaperman. And embrace your fate. You skirt-wearing little girl.

Like this? Check out more Video Histories with these links:

The Road to the Title Part 2

The Four Horsemen

Shortstop Scenario

Ichiro vs. Crawford

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