THE JON: Founder and the most successful fantasy baseballer in the group. Favorite players owned, Vladimir Guerrero, Ichiro, Johan Santana and Roy Halladay. 
He loves you and he loves fantasy baseball. Favorite team, the Red Sox. Spends his day drawing hearts around Mr. David Wright and Mrs. Newspaperman Wright. 
THE OZ: Has been a buster ever since winning TheBaseballStars inaugural season. Favorite team, the A's. Best keeper, Alex Rodriguez. 
FREESANJOSE: The sworn enemy of The Jon, FreeSanJose is the most versatile of the group when it comes to team strategy. Favorite team, the A's. Best keepers, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard. 
POIDOG: Makes the playoffs every year. Has never won a title. Favorite team, the A's. Best players, Jake Peavy and Miguel Cabrera. Still crying over the Dan Haren trade.
It all started simple enough. Newspaperman in the deep throes of watching one of his many sweethearts have a good game, e-mailed The Jon. In this case it was Joey Votto’s three homer game Wednesday. This is a rough quote:
“Monster, baby. Monster. Three jacks in three at-bats, four RBIs, three runs, a walk and a stolen base. I have to change my panties!”
It was then The Jon finally pinpointed who Newspaperman reminded The Jon of.
Daniel LaRusso. Yes, you read that right, Daniel-San.
As we all know, The Jon is steeped in Karate Kid lore. That video that led off this masterpiece was Newspaperman when he first started playing fantasy baseball. He was the best around for a small part due to his obsession with baseball cards.
He took a hobby that involved him poring over these cards in his underwear in a dark, musky room with a roll of toilet paper and turned it into early fantasy baseball success. He won one title in the State league and he was giddy … like Daniel-San at 1:00 into this clip:
Newspaperman would actually lay in bed at night and dream that he was the best around. Humming that tune as he had visions of Roger Clemens and Pedro Martinez dancing in his head, he must have channeled Daniel-San and had dreams like this …
Here’s the kicker with Newspaperman. Instead of intimidating all of the people he beat to grab his first title, the guy was a cornball.
He would spew this weak advice such as “When drafting, you have to pick the best available player.”
Or, “When hitting 30 home runs, one must be really good and should be on everyone’s draft list.”
And then he found love in Jose Reyes, David Wright and Grady Sizemore.
So much so that when The Jon offered one of his famous deals that nobody could refuse, something along the lines of Manny Ramirez, Jason Giambi, Curt Schilling, some other hot pitcher of two seasons past and something like two other quantifiable fantasy-hitting producersfor Grady Sizemore, Newspaperman balked.
So what happened?
This. Remember, Newspaperman is Daniel-San.
Newspaperman created The Jon.
By not taking that deal, The Jon’s team got hot and the first championship of the Greatness Era began. By not taking a deal that would have guaranteed Newspaperman another championship, The Jon became the most prolific fantasy baseballer ever.
Five seasons of top 3 finishes.
Two championships.
So what’s a Daniel-San to do? Well, Newspaperman has taken solace that he has finished with the best record for like three seasons running. And for a while, he was happy.
One problem though.
Newspaperman has had to face The Jon in the playoffs, and he becomes a blubbering idiot rolling around on the ground having to battle it out with FreeSanJose aka Mike Barnes for second place …
It has gotten so bad, Newspaperman is a shell of his former self. Getting scared like a little girl and making excuses when he loses to The Jon. You want to see his expression while he is in front of his computer and he realizes The Greatness is coming up on the schedule?
Check out the 36 second mark of this clip. Or watch the whole thing. Same effect.
The sad thing about all of this is at least when Daniel-San made a fool out himself, Mr. Miyagi was always there.
When Daniel-San threw his bike in the dumpster. Miyagi fixed it.
When Daniel-San messed and destroyed his relationship with Elisabeth Shue, Miyagi told him to go back and tap that.
Well Newspaperman, there is some bad news.
I’m your Mr. Miyagi, bitch.
Not this Mr. Miyagi …
But this Mr. Miyagi.
The Mr. Miyagi that doesn’t forgive past mistakes and proceeds to smash you every single time in the playoffs.
Every single playoff matchup.
Your biggest nightmare.
Yes Newspaperman, I’m the Miyagi that makes your face all scrunched up while whispering “No” to yourself.
You created this. This is your shame. Your destiny.
So long, Newspaperman. And embrace your fate. You skirt-wearing little girl.
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Filed under: Hey Newspaperman ..., The Jon, Video history, fantasy baseball, sports | Tagged: Cobra Kai, Daniel LaRusso, David Wright, Elisabeth Shue, Elizabeth Shue, Grady Sizemore, Jose Reyes, Karate Kid, Manny Ramirez, Mike Barnes, Mr. Miyagi, panties, Pedro Martinez, Roger Clemens, tap that
Damn, that’s an epic (pardon the Jim Rome reference) post. What you’re forgetting to tell the good people in fantasy land is that your offers for Sizemore included a bunch of lowlifes who 1) were clearly not producing, or 2) had no place on my roster. Did TheJon offer Manny, Schilling and Giambi and some other scum for Sizemore? Yes. But Schilling would have have played for me, Giambi would have rode the pine thanks to his .240 batting average, and Manny was having the worst season he’d had in a decade. So don’t try convincing people that the deal was overwhelmingly in my favor.
As far as my cards. Don’t diss. I’m the guy who just made $50 on Joey Votto rookies.
You mean the Giambi that hit .271 with 32 homers.
Or the Manny that had 45 homers and 144 RBI and killed everyone the last two weeks of the season?
And the weakest guys on the rest of the team was Inge and Rowand.
So Rollins was also probably part of the deal. The 196 hit, 41 SB version.
Go paint my fence, Daniel-San.